fallback girl

A Long Winded Way to Answer Your Own Question

Your Question
Is it wrong to ask my boyfriend to drop his friendships with 2 women he has been involved with during out time together.?

We took a time out Christmas 2012. We had a date for NYE. I had called him and told him his ticket would be waiting for him and hoped he showed up. Later that night I saw him post from Dixon and I knew.. he was with someone. They dated for a month and then we got back together.

He continued to engage in conversations with her and then started up chatting with his ex prior to us. I had had it and broke up with him in Sept 2013.

We dated other people over the next 6 months. I saw him in Feb 2014 and we were right back on. Yes… now I was the one he was texting with while he was sitting next to his new gf. They were breaking up soon he said and I took the bait.

Now, here I sit. Same argument I had a year and a half ago. He won’t drop his flings. Everytime I see them post on his FB it reminds me all over again how I was stood up and he was with her. Yes.. I’m bitter about that. It hurt me. He tells me his “Integrity won’t let him hurt her feelings”. Never mind mine.

I told him … Them or me.. We spend the weekends together. Have an amazing time when we are together. We are a lot alike on many levels but he just wont put these women down. He also won’t allow any pictures, tags or comments about us on FB. He will refer to me as KC.

It’s like he has a different world that he keeps himself single in… while tying up my life for the relationship… Ugggh.. It’s driving me crazy. I love him. I want to believe in him. I try to negotiate with him but he wont budge. He only hides them so I don’t see.

What should I do… If anyone came to me and told me my story I would say dump the guy … He’s not into you.

Serious Side-Eye

Serious Side-Eye

the advicist Ummmmmmmmmm…..

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Is The Guy I Like Into Me?

Your Question
I really like a guy I worked with. He left a couple of weeks ago and started a new job in a new city last week. I’ve been emailing and texting him since then. He always replies to my texts, sometimes hours later though, but never texts me first.

I asked if he’d rather I stopped texting him so much but he said I could text him when I want, he might not reply till later, but that he was trying to reply to me as soon as he could. I know he’s busy with the move and new job but just don’t know if he likes me or not. He never seems to ask many questions either.

is he into me?

the advicist
First things first, how far away is this new job and city? Like, 40 mins away, or a three hour flight away? Because my answer does depend on that. If it’s close enough by that you guys could regularly see each other, ok. If it’s long-distance well, I think you’re better just moving on. Sure, you liked him, but if nothing ever came of it before, and now he’s not textingtextingtexting, I don’t think this has the markings of a long-distance romance.

Assuming he’s nearby, then sure, maybe you guys could get closer. Perhaps working together wasn’t the ideal environment for blossoming romance.

But he doesn’t sound super interested. That’s not to say he isn’t interested. Just… he’s not giving off the ‘I need to see you!’ vibe… or else you wouldn’t be writing to me.

So I’d just see how it goes. Try making plans to meet up. His eagerness might give you an indication of how interested he really is.

There’s no big either / or here. See if he wants to hang out, if not, oh well. There’s no need for big proclamations.

And if he’s not that interested, don’t fret (I know that’s easier to say than hear). But honestly, if he isn’t that into you, and he’s letting you know NOW, he’s doing you a favour. He could string you along, see you when it suits him, offer you committment and very little fun (since you spend all your days waiting to jump to his whim when he does decide to call). Don’t become his fallback girl just because you want a crumb of his affection. Respect yourself, and know that, if he’s isn’t you, he isn’t the one for you.

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And a note from me: after some upgrades on the site, my contact forms aren’t working. I know this, and I will fix them. But actually… it’s nice not be overwhelmed with questions for a bit, so forgive me if I use this time to work on catching up.

If you do have a burning question, you can always e-mail me at admin -at- theadvicist.com. I won’t reply directly, or use your e-mail ever. Please note in your e-mail that you are happy for me to publish the Q & A on the site. And, if you don’t want your question publishing, or you want a quick answer by email, my Confidential Service is always available, and there is currently no waiting list.

Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou

 

Forget my Guide to Becoming More Than His Fallback Girl. Maya said it all.

 

(If anyone knows of a proper credit for this image, I’d really appreciate it. I saw it on the Tumblr of fantastic singer-songwriter Leddra Chapman, and haven’t been able to find anymore out using Google. Thank you).

How to Resign from being his Fallback Girl

Your Question  How do I tell him I’m done with being his fallback?

I quit

the advicist You don’t need to. Just STOP BEING HIS FALLBACK GIRL.

Look, it’s not like you entered into a formal agreement, and now you have to enact the ‘get-out’ clause, is it? There’s no letter of resignation required.

You’re not even going out, so you don’t even have the displeasure (or pleasure, since you’ve come to your senses) of having to dump him.

That’s the thing about being the fall-back girl. He gave you NOTHING. So why do you owe him an explanation?

You don’t. You show him you are no longer his fall-back girl, and you do so thus:

Don’t be at his beck and call, every time there is drama in his life. Especially given it’s usually related to other girls.

Don’t answer every call from him, desperately wanting him to notice that it’s you who’s really there for him.

Don’t change your plans, or keep times free for him, just in case he can squeeze you into his busy schedule.

And don’t tell him. Start respecting yourself, being sure in your choices, and getting on with your life without worrying what he is thinking.

He’ll probably come to his senses and realise what he’s missing out on.

I’M PRAYING TO GOD that you remember HE’S NO GOOD when he does.

Or you’ll be back to square one. Because once he realises he can’t have you, he’ll probably want you. What you need to remember as that once he realises he can have you (again), he won’t want you (again).

I doubt I’m going to talk you out of giving it a go, if you get the chance. And who would I be to deny you your fantasy coming true?

But please remember that when he could have you, he didn’t want you. You need to expect that this will be the case again, and walk as soon as he’s back to treating you like his fall-back girl.

I wish there were more ‘ifs’ in that last sentence.

photo credit: Aman Deshmukh via photopincc

From ‘a Date’ To ‘Boyfriend’

question: If you are dating / kicking with a guy and it’s going on a year, and he doesn’t mention becoming a boyfriend to you, do you let it go?

my honest answer: When you say he hasn’t ‘mentioned’ it, it sounds like the subject has never been broached. Why not? If you want to call him your boyfriend, why have you never asked him about it? Why are you waiting for him to mention it?

On the other hand, if you have talked about it in the past, and he’s said he’ll tell when he’s ready for the boyfriend label, and it hasn’t happened yet, I’m here to tell you, it ain’t never gonna happen. 

He’s getting what he wants. That’s all he wants. If he wanted more, he’d probably get that too, seeing as you seem to be more interested in pleasing him than doing what you want.

If you want a boyfriend, get a boyfriend.

If you only want to be kicking around with someone, kick around with him.

Just don’t confuse the two. He’s not boyfriend material.

 

He Asked for a Break. To See Someone Else.

Question:  If a guy asks for a break for another girl does that mean you are his fallback girl?

my honest answer:  Firstly, for my new readers, if you don’t know what a fallback girl is, check out this Q & A.

Secondly, for the questioner, please read that article again as well. Obviously it didn’t sink in the first time.

Because, yes, if he asks you for a break, so he can try things out with someone else, and then come back to you if, and only if, it doesn’t work out THEN YOU ARE THE VERY DEFINITION OF A FALL-BACK GIRL.

He has lined you up to ‘fall back on’ if his preferred choice tells him to get lost.

I don’t even know you and I know you are worth more than this. Don’t be someone’s second best. Don’t be their consolation prize. And most of all, don’t be their doormat.

Please stand up for yourself, and tell this guy to hit the road.

 

He Doesn’t Have Time for a Relationship

Question:  How do I know if my male friend is interested? He calls me 5+ times a week to talk about his day, problems, the future and other general chit chat. He wants my opinion on everything. We go out to breakfast and dinner on a monthly basis. We are both single.

I asked him months ago if he thought there was anything more and he said he wanted to focus on his career at the moment. Am I wasting my time? I’m over the calls constantly, he’s emotionally draining guy with all the analyzing. I’m having trouble cutting him off.

my honest answer: You already know if he’s interested. Because you asked him, and he said no.

Sure, he hid behind his job, ‘I’m so busy yada yada yada’. But, just, no. If he wanted to be with you, he would. He has the time to call you five times a week, right?

You also already know he’s not interested, because you tell me you’re ‘having trouble cutting him off’. You know he’s got to go. You know, deep down, that he is just using you. And yet you’re not doing anything about it.

It’s nice to feel wanted. I understand that. We all love some attention.

But he’s using you. And he will keep doing it for as long as you let him.

If you just wanted to be friends with this guy, I’d say great! You’ve got a wonderful friendship – lots of intimate chats, dinners and breakfasts. That’s the kind of friendship everyone wants.

But when those chats become emotionally draining, and you are left wanting more than he is willing to give you, it stops making your life better (as a good friendship should), and it starts making it worse.

You’ve asked him outright. You know where you stand. And yet you keep going back for more of his torture. I’m not saying it should be all or nothing – full-blown relationship or never see each other again.

But take a step back, and see how you get on on a more equal footing. When he starts to unload on you, tell him you’ve not got time. Meet him on your own terms. Don’t be running around changing your schedule to fit in with him.

When you stop being at his beck and call, one of two things will happen:

  1. He finds someone else to stroke his ego, and he moves on pretty quickly.
  2. He develops a new-found respect for you, and decides he does value your time and your friendship, and he starts to treat you better.

The key is to go into it knowing that either outcome is the RIGHT one.

Outcome 1) is desirable because he’s shown his true colors, and you don’t WANT to be with someone like that. He will have saved you a lot of heartache.

And outcome 2) is desirable because it shows he has an ounce of character, and you clearly want him in your life.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? Any nuggets of wisdom for our questioner today?

 

The Anatomy of a Failed Relationship

Question:  I was dating this guy for about 5 months. He kept confusing me about what he wanted… saying he didn’t want a relationship, but kept doing everything otherwise that told me he did.

We met through a dating site knowing we were a couple of hours apart… and only after I brought up where things were going after two months that he said he didn’t “do long distance.” Fast forward through seeing each other and me always being on edge about what he was doing.

When push came to shove he told me he was seeing someone at the same time. But she was more of his friend, where he was polyamorous.

He kept marking his territory all over my facebook page and got jealous whenever guys would say something on my photo or I was out with my friends. When I wanted to be exclusive he kept giving me excuses about distance and this other girl and what not.

I completely cut contact with him after that because I was so hurt that he said he only did all those things “as friends.” I don’t make out or have sex with my friends. He didn’t act like a friend around me.

A month or so after I cut contact he said that he didn’t fight for me because he was emotionally taxed and it was a bad move on his part and then later that I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had. Which is funny, because I wasn’t.

I’m so confused over what happened and jealous that he’s still with the other girl in some way. Why does he continue with her? He said he never wanted to lose me, but yet he let me go so easily. Can you help me understand what happened and why he’s with her and not me? He kept telling me that he really liked me…so I don’t understand. Why her?

 

my honest answer: Okay. First things first. This guy is a jerk.

We’re going to go step by step through your relationship, and identify how I know this, why you didn’t spot it, and how you can avoid this fate again.

Red Flag #1: He kept saying he “didn’t want a relationship”

When people tell you things you don’t want to hear, take them at their word.

Life would be simpler if I could just say ‘take people at their word’. But, unfortunately, some people are manipulative and they lie.

So, instead of taking people at their word, take people at their word when they are telling you things you don’t want to hear. 

So, if he said “I love you! Oh so much!” within two weeks of meeting you? I’d say, be skeptical. Look at his actions not his words. But that’s because he’s got a vested interest in saying he loves you. It gets you hooked.

But this guy has no vested interest in telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship. So he probably just plain doesn’t want one.

“He kept doing everything otherwise that told me he did want a relationship”

We need to look at this word ‘everything’. How did he imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with you?  By sleeping with you? Because that is not the same thing.

Indications that someone wants to be in a relationship with you include: specific plans for the future, shared experiences (outside of the bedroom), and introductions to his friends, and his family. Did he do any of this?

Red Flag #2: “I was always on edge about what he was doing”

Feeling on edge is your gut’s way of telling you something is wrong. Listen to your instincts. When they say something isn’t right, it usually isn’t. Please. THIS is the point at which you should have walked away.

Next time you meet someone, and your guts are saying ‘hang on! Back up!’, please, listen. Your instincts are the best self-preservation system you’ve got going.

Red Flag #3: “He kept marking his territory all over my facebook page and got jealous”

Classic controlling behavoir. He didn’t want a relationship with you, he was not in a relationship with you, therefore he had no right to get jealous about who you did or did not see. And yet he felt he was entitled to get jealous. What?

This is also a textbook approach of a guy who is using you as his Fallback Girl. He doesn’t want you… but he doesn’t want anyone else to want you either. Because if you did find someone who liked you back, where would he be? On his own, with no-one to run around after him, beg for his attention, and trying to meet his every want and whim in return for a few crumbs of affection.

“When I wanted to be exclusive he kept giving me excuses about distance and this other girl”

These aren’t ‘excuses’. They are reasons.

He didn’t want to be exclusive. You have no right to demand it of him. He made clear what he was offering: a non-exclusive relationship. If you are not happy with those terms, you decline to participate in said relationship.

If you turn this around – and a guy was attempting to coerce a girl into a relationship against her express will – it sounds awful. Well, I’m here to tell you its no different just because the sexes are reversed. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. That is entirely his prerogative.

“I don’t make out or have sex with my friends”

Well, in this case, you did. You made out, and had sex with a guy who explicitly told you, from the very beginning, he didn’t want a relationship. So yes, you do have sex with your friends.

If you don’t want to make out or have sex with your friends, next time, wait until you both agree on the nature of the relationship. You cannot will someone into having a relationship with you.

[He said] “I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had”

Yeah, afterward. He can say what he wants; it doesn’t make it true. This guy is a jerk. It’s absolute classic behavoir of a guy who wants you to be his fallback girl. If he thought you were that great, he’d be with you. He just wants to you to keep hoping he’ll be with you, so you can massage his ego some more.

…”Which is funny, because I wasn’t.”

Yes! You’re onto him! You weren’t his girlfriend, and you won’t be (right?) because he doesn’t treat you right.

“he’s still with the other girl in some way. Why does he continue with her?”

The key to why he is still with her is the term, ‘in some way’.

I think you know they’re not in the kind of genuine, exlusive relationship you wanted. So, there are two possibilities.

Either, they are both happy to be in a relaxed, perhaps polyamorous relationship. If so, good for them.

Or, she is allowing herself to be treated just as he treated you. She is at his beck and call, probably sleeping with him but not getting the affection, recognition and commitment she craves in return.

“He said he never wanted to lose me, but yet he let me go so easily”

Again, words and actions don’t meet… so remember, look for the vested interest. He wanted to keep you hanging, to keep you running round after him and stroking his ego.

“Can you help me understand what happened and why he’s with her and not me? He kept telling me that he really liked me…so I don’t understand. Why her?”

I hope everything I’ve said helps to give you some understanding of this relationship, why it ‘failed’ (although I’d say it succeeded since you’re not the one going out with the controlling jerk).

He’s with her and not you because she offered him something you didn’t.

This was either:

The type of relationship he wanted: No strings attached, friends with benefits, the ability to by polyamorous, no commitment.

or The ability to treat her badly, in a way you would not stand for. 

Either way, you’re better off without him. The only things on offer to you were a relationship on his terms alone, which you explicitly didn’t want. Or to keep seeing him sometimes, entirely on his terms, and having your heart and soul dragged over the hot coals every time he slept with you, and then told you he didn’t like you enough to go out with you.

I repeat: you’re better off without him.

Please watch out more carefully for the warning signs next time. You need to protect yourself, because you’re the only one watching out for you.

 

On Being His Fallback Girl

Question:  What to say to the man who is using you as a fallback girl?

my honest answer:  Buh-bye.

Shortest. Answer. Ever.

How do I Become More than a Fallback Girl?

question: How do I become more than a Fallback Girl?

my honest answer: So, you’re someone’s fallback girl, and you want to know how you can become more.

Whilst we’re here: Does everyone know what a fallback girl is? It’s a girl who a guy (usually a popular, good-looking one) keeps ‘in reserve’. Someone that they will call when they are sad or lonely, for a bit of an ego-boost, but whom they will cast aside as soon as someone else comes along.

A fallback girl will wait patiently in the wings, desperate for the call that the guy needs her. She feels special because he always ends up calling on her. Usually to complain about his love life. This makes her feel special. He confides in her! But what he doesn’t do, is ever commit to anything beyond this back-and-forth.

He will throw just enough crumbs of affection her way to keep her thinking she has a chance. To keep her dreaming, hanging on, and waiting for the moment he realizes she was the one all along!

So, I’m going to have to burst this bubble.

It will never happen.

If he liked you, he’d be with you.

If he cared about you, he’d stop messing you around.

And even if there were a magic formula to get you in a relationship with him, you shouldn’t want to be in that relationship anyway, because he treats people badly.

The guy who has a fallback girl (and actually, many of them have a few), needs his ego-constantly stroking. Even if you did go out with him, he would still flirt with every girl he saw. He would still talk to them, and ignore you, because he’s the kind of guy who likes the thrill of the chase.

In fact, you would likely just be getting an upgrade from fallback girl who has to drop everything the moment he calls with another emotional crisis, to a kind of indentured servant where you cook and clean for him, whilst he goes out to clubs and enjoys the attention of other women (when you just wanted to stay home and snuggle!).

So, not only is there no way to guarantee you can become ‘more’ than a fallback girl, if you acheived it, you’d likely be miserable then too. Because he won’t start treating you well just because he’s your girlfriend.

In fact, since being in a relationship will make him thing the wooing period is over, he may even start to treat you worse. Wheras he might not let down a date at short notice, he probably wouldn’t hesitate to do that do his girlfriend. She’ll understand, right?

Most people treat people well, or they treat people badly. A few particularly damaged individuals divide out ‘us’ and ‘them’, and treat their people well, and everyone else badly. But generally, people are either respectful of other people’s time, feelings and wellbeing, or they are not.

If he has proved thus far that he is not, there is no reason to expect he’ll change once you’re in a relationship. But more than that, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. I promise.