Question: I was dating this guy for about 5 months. He kept confusing me about what he wanted… saying he didn’t want a relationship, but kept doing everything otherwise that told me he did.
We met through a dating site knowing we were a couple of hours apart… and only after I brought up where things were going after two months that he said he didn’t “do long distance.” Fast forward through seeing each other and me always being on edge about what he was doing.
When push came to shove he told me he was seeing someone at the same time. But she was more of his friend, where he was polyamorous.
He kept marking his territory all over my facebook page and got jealous whenever guys would say something on my photo or I was out with my friends. When I wanted to be exclusive he kept giving me excuses about distance and this other girl and what not.
I completely cut contact with him after that because I was so hurt that he said he only did all those things “as friends.” I don’t make out or have sex with my friends. He didn’t act like a friend around me.
A month or so after I cut contact he said that he didn’t fight for me because he was emotionally taxed and it was a bad move on his part and then later that I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had. Which is funny, because I wasn’t.
I’m so confused over what happened and jealous that he’s still with the other girl in some way. Why does he continue with her? He said he never wanted to lose me, but yet he let me go so easily. Can you help me understand what happened and why he’s with her and not me? He kept telling me that he really liked me…so I don’t understand. Why her?
my honest answer: Okay. First things first. This guy is a jerk.
We’re going to go step by step through your relationship, and identify how I know this, why you didn’t spot it, and how you can avoid this fate again.
Red Flag #1: He kept saying he “didn’t want a relationship”
When people tell you things you don’t want to hear, take them at their word.
Life would be simpler if I could just say ‘take people at their word’. But, unfortunately, some people are manipulative and they lie.
So, instead of taking people at their word, take people at their word when they are telling you things you don’t want to hear.
So, if he said “I love you! Oh so much!” within two weeks of meeting you? I’d say, be skeptical. Look at his actions not his words. But that’s because he’s got a vested interest in saying he loves you. It gets you hooked.
But this guy has no vested interest in telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship. So he probably just plain doesn’t want one.
“He kept doing everything otherwise that told me he did want a relationship”
We need to look at this word ‘everything’. How did he imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with you? By sleeping with you? Because that is not the same thing.
Indications that someone wants to be in a relationship with you include: specific plans for the future, shared experiences (outside of the bedroom), and introductions to his friends, and his family. Did he do any of this?
Red Flag #2: “I was always on edge about what he was doing”
Feeling on edge is your gut’s way of telling you something is wrong. Listen to your instincts. When they say something isn’t right, it usually isn’t. Please. THIS is the point at which you should have walked away.
Next time you meet someone, and your guts are saying ‘hang on! Back up!’, please, listen. Your instincts are the best self-preservation system you’ve got going.
Red Flag #3: “He kept marking his territory all over my facebook page and got jealous”
Classic controlling behavoir. He didn’t want a relationship with you, he was not in a relationship with you, therefore he had no right to get jealous about who you did or did not see. And yet he felt he was entitled to get jealous. What?
This is also a textbook approach of a guy who is using you as his Fallback Girl. He doesn’t want you… but he doesn’t want anyone else to want you either. Because if you did find someone who liked you back, where would he be? On his own, with no-one to run around after him, beg for his attention, and trying to meet his every want and whim in return for a few crumbs of affection.
“When I wanted to be exclusive he kept giving me excuses about distance and this other girl”
These aren’t ‘excuses’. They are reasons.
He didn’t want to be exclusive. You have no right to demand it of him. He made clear what he was offering: a non-exclusive relationship. If you are not happy with those terms, you decline to participate in said relationship.
If you turn this around – and a guy was attempting to coerce a girl into a relationship against her express will – it sounds awful. Well, I’m here to tell you its no different just because the sexes are reversed. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. That is entirely his prerogative.
“I don’t make out or have sex with my friends”
Well, in this case, you did. You made out, and had sex with a guy who explicitly told you, from the very beginning, he didn’t want a relationship. So yes, you do have sex with your friends.
If you don’t want to make out or have sex with your friends, next time, wait until you both agree on the nature of the relationship. You cannot will someone into having a relationship with you.
[He said] “I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had”
Yeah, afterward. He can say what he wants; it doesn’t make it true. This guy is a jerk. It’s absolute classic behavoir of a guy who wants you to be his fallback girl. If he thought you were that great, he’d be with you. He just wants to you to keep hoping he’ll be with you, so you can massage his ego some more.
…”Which is funny, because I wasn’t.”
Yes! You’re onto him! You weren’t his girlfriend, and you won’t be (right?) because he doesn’t treat you right.
“he’s still with the other girl in some way. Why does he continue with her?”
The key to why he is still with her is the term, ‘in some way’.
I think you know they’re not in the kind of genuine, exlusive relationship you wanted. So, there are two possibilities.
Either, they are both happy to be in a relaxed, perhaps polyamorous relationship. If so, good for them.
Or, she is allowing herself to be treated just as he treated you. She is at his beck and call, probably sleeping with him but not getting the affection, recognition and commitment she craves in return.
“He said he never wanted to lose me, but yet he let me go so easily”
Again, words and actions don’t meet… so remember, look for the vested interest. He wanted to keep you hanging, to keep you running round after him and stroking his ego.
“Can you help me understand what happened and why he’s with her and not me? He kept telling me that he really liked me…so I don’t understand. Why her?”
I hope everything I’ve said helps to give you some understanding of this relationship, why it ‘failed’ (although I’d say it succeeded since you’re not the one going out with the controlling jerk).
He’s with her and not you because she offered him something you didn’t.
This was either:
The type of relationship he wanted: No strings attached, friends with benefits, the ability to by polyamorous, no commitment.
or The ability to treat her badly, in a way you would not stand for.
Either way, you’re better off without him. The only things on offer to you were a relationship on his terms alone, which you explicitly didn’t want. Or to keep seeing him sometimes, entirely on his terms, and having your heart and soul dragged over the hot coals every time he slept with you, and then told you he didn’t like you enough to go out with you.
I repeat: you’re better off without him.
Please watch out more carefully for the warning signs next time. You need to protect yourself, because you’re the only one watching out for you.