How Can I Get this Girl to Talk to Me?

Your Question
I am 23 years old male, I like this girl in college that i want to talk to and see where things go.

The problem is she’s not my friend and she’s not in my class so it’s almost impossible to initiate contact or have an excuse to talk routinly.

I am just asking is it okay to just text her or catch her on facebook telling her i want to see her,or that i think i like her and want to make a date….?

i know about her enough that i am confident that if i approache her in the correct way she will surely agree to go for a date.I am just not sure how should i do this.the situation is fragile and i don’t want to freak her out or make a wrong impression about myself as she doesn’t know me that well and she’ll be surprised or suspecious i asked her because I’ve been around her long time ago and never showed interest in her what so ever untill now.

I know that asking her out on internet sounds cheesy,but she’s my first girl that i ask out in my life, so on person i might become cold feet, clumsy, and start babbling,which is an advantage for facebook that i can organize my thoughts and will be more confident even if i speak spontaneously which what i tend to always be.

Asking a girl out at college

the advicist Firstly, I feel for you. Approaching people, especially when they can reject you, is a scary thing to do.

But my first thought is: if you don’t know her well enough to talk to her:

  1. What makes you “confident that if i approache her in the correct way she will surely agree to go for a date”? How have you got that impression when you don’t know her to talk to?
  2. How do you know you like her and want to go out with her? This may just be a lusty-crush, for want of a better description. Most true romances come out of knowing someone a tiny bit, and wanting to know more. And more. And more. And that has to start with something, and it has to be mutual. If you don’t know her well enough to talk to her… I’m not sure you know her well enough to fall for her on anything more than a superficial level.

Asking her on the internet could go one of two ways. Yes, it could give you the time to sort out your thoughts, and word things perfectly. But that could also contribute to making you look creepy. A message from someone, out of the blue, who you’ve never really spoken to, asking you out? I don’t want to be harsh, but as a woman, I can tell you, that can come across as creepy.

Now a guy approaching you in person, can definitely come across as creepy too. But there is much less chance of that, because it looks more conversational, less stalkerish. And babbling? Trust me, that can be very cute.

Tips for talking to her:

  • Do it in a busy place. Don’t wait until she leaves her friends and walks off alone, that may make her uncomfortable, and definitely can come across as creepy.
  • Just start with small talk. ‘Great lecture!’, ‘nice weather’ or ‘I read that book! It’s great / bad / boring’. Try not lead with anything about her looks. That can come across as creepy too. A neutral subject – class you’ve been to, book she’s carrying etc is a good place to start.

 

I hope this might help. And I hope you don’t take all my ‘don’t be creepy advice’ the wrong way. It’s just, when you don’t know a girl that well, but you know you want to date her, that can come across that way. You’re a nice guy, I just want to make sure she sees that. Good luck!

photo credit: umjanedoan via photopin cc


On Whether to Leave A Good Person Who Just Isn’t Enough

Your Question Dear Advicist, I am trying to decide whether to stay in my marriage or dissolve it and I am feeling a lot of self hatred. I married a man I dated for a long time because I believed that he was a very good person and was good to me. We get along just fine.

I had been in relationships where I had loved and lost, and because those relationships always ended, I believed that that ‘love’ feeling was lust, and wasn’t truly marriage material. However, the man I married I did not ‘lust’ after but I did have some attraction to start. I told myself this will grow with time, and it did not. I care about him very much, but I have no physical desire towards him and my guilt is rotting my stomach.

I feel as if I have committed a horrific sin; however, now I am 47, childless and regretting it more than you can fathom, and hating my reflection. Can I live through this? How? Please – I beseech you, help me.

The Grass Is Always Greener

The Grass Is Always Greener by The Road Not Taken

the advicist
It’s common for lust to fade over the years. It’s common to wonder ‘what if’. It’s not common (no, actually it is, but I wish it weren’t) to hate yourself.

Please get some counselling. It sounds like there are lots of things you need to talk through.

Also, remember that when a marriage fails – and millions have done before, and will in the future – it was the marriage that failed, not the people in it.

You made the best decision you could at the time. You thought this man would be enough for you, and make you happy. It turned out not to be the case. Knowing then, what you know now, you might have done things differently.

But if you had, you may have been in a different marriage wondering if this man you let pass you by was actually the key to your happiness.

Do you see what I’m getting at? Regrets are pointless, because there is no way of knowing whether, if you  had chosen the other path, that one would have turned out perfectly either. So you’re comparing real-life with a fantasy. And that’s never going to be a happy comparison.

So, the first thing to do is to acknowledge you make a mistake and forgive yourself for it. Seriously. You had information at your disposal – that previous lusty relationships had fizzled – and you made the best decision you could: that the long-haul should be with someone whom you like, not just fancy.

It wasn’t necessarily a bad decision, or the wrong decision.

You are where you are now, so stop looking at the past, and start looking forwards.

Daydream about what you want your life to look like in 5 or 10 years. In those fantasies, are you with your husband, enjoying life together? Or are you living by yourself, perhaps in an apartment, surrounded by things you love, with interesting hobbies and a full social life, but protective of your space and alone time and living by yourself?

Think about what you really want out of life. Yes, the past few years might not have gone as you hoped. But all  you can do is make your next decision a good one. Work out what you want, and make a plan to make that happen.

Instead of this being a failure, making you view yourself as a failure, this could be the start of a big adventure. Here you are, with no kids to worry about, free to make your own choices and pursue your own happiness! Embrace it.

photo credit: rady one ツ via photopin cc

Should I go to my Sister’s Destination Wedding? I have Kids!

Your Question
Hi there! My sister is having a wedding abroad in Italy this fall and she really wants me to go. I have the gift of a family friend’s miles to get me there, and can room with my parents, so it’s essentially a free trip.

The main problem is that I have little kids at home and my husband really doesn’t want me to go (and refuses to go himself and leave our kids at home).

We can’t afford to take the kids and really don’t want to anyway. I am conflicted and don’t know how to break it to my sister that I can’t go. I don’t want to blame it all on my husband and strain the relationship he has with my family. I just don’t see an easy way out of this dilemma. Help!

Destination wedding in Italy - should I go?

the advicist

To be honest, I don’t see why you can’t go. Your husband can’t ‘manage’ for a few days with the kids alone? Then he had no business having kids!

It’s a free trip. It’s a big family milestone. You need to give me some better reasons as to why your husband doesn’t want you to go, or I just can’t even fathom this dilemma.

photo credit: j0sh (www.pixael.com) via photopin cc

Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou

 

Forget my Guide to Becoming More Than His Fallback Girl. Maya said it all.

 

(If anyone knows of a proper credit for this image, I’d really appreciate it. I saw it on the Tumblr of fantastic singer-songwriter Leddra Chapman, and haven’t been able to find anymore out using Google. Thank you).

Cheat Sheet: How to Tell if a Guy Is Interested in You

It’s been a while since I did a Cheat Sheet. I’ve had a few questions lately about whether or not a guy is interested. I’ve been telling people they ought to just know from the signals. Well, what signals? 

Signs That a Guy is Into You

  1. He wants to spend time with you…
  2. …Even, and especially, when he ought to be elsewhere: catching a bus, going to work, at a meeting.
  3. He makes plans to see you. Again. And Again.
  4. He makes excuses to touch you: ‘Come here, look at this’ *arm grabbing*, or the classic, ‘Oh, you have fluff on your sleeve’.
  5. He shows off in front of you. Showing off is not necessarily attractive, but, in this context, kind of endearing?
  6. He wants to tell you about himself. The REAL stuff. Not the surface stuff he tells everyone else.
  7. You want to tell him about yourself. And you feel like he is good enough to hear it. (Trust your instinct on this one. Never force intimacy. If you don’t want to share yourself with someone, your bullsh*t meter is probably doing you a favour).

 

Signs That Might Confuse You Into Thinking A Guy Is Into You

When they lean in for a kiss. Sorry girls, but sometimes, they just want your body. Don’t confuse Lust with ‘Into You’. It’s nice when they co-incide. But unfortunately it’s not a requirement. And before you all tell me I’m a sexist for publishing this, the only reason I have done it with these Genders, in this direction, is that I am a girl, and I can tell when a guy is into me. I cannot tell when a girl is into me (well, either that, or none ever has been. I’m upset about it either way). And I’d love to do Signs a Girl is Into You, but I don’t know if I’m that self-aware? A lot of this can simply be reversed, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a guy could see signs I didn’t know I was giving off. Do you have anything to add to the list?

Should We Cancel Our Wedding and Elope?

Your Question
My fiancé and I are planning a wedding in August of this year and we are thinking about canceling and eloping.

To start off: I don’t like planning, or hosting parties, I hate being the center of attention, and while I can appreciate a lot of cute wedding stuff, I could care less about planning my own. I was never a girl that dreamed of her wedding and I got engaged to be married to the man of my dreams, not to have a wedding.

We originally wanted to have a small ceremony, with our immediate family only, but his mom insisted that her brother be there. We could tell that his mom really wanted to have a larger wedding with all the extended family and friends and everything. And in thinking about that we wanted our other aunts and uncles (who we are much closer to) to be there as well.

I figured that if it was really that important to her then why not throw a party? I didn’t want to burn any bridges with my soon to be mother-in-law.

Problem is, we only have $5,000 from my parents (who have made no demands of us and have instructed us to do whatever we want with the money) and we are now trying to plan a wedding for 75-100 instead of a small ceremony and dinner for 16.

This is immensely stressful for me and my fiancé because in order to save money we have to do everything ourselves, and we are still finding it hard to make ends meet. We don’t make much money to begin with and would rather spend more on a nice honeymoon for the two of us to start our married life together with something meaningful and memorable to us.

Instead we are at each other’s throats about the wedding and money, and the feeling that keeps coming up is that neither of us wanted this to begin with. This is not the wedding we had envisioned. At this point, we have set a date, reserved a venue, and booked a cabin for his family to stay in while they are here. We have not sent out invitations, and have only told people informally.

We would be out maybe $500 at the most. We are worried that his mom may be disappointed or embarrassed to tell people that we are canceling the wedding. Also, we feel bad for people we have asked to be in the wedding. (to our knowledge, no tickets have been purchased) We were thinking of asking our immediate family to elope with us, not telling anyone else, and then afterwards sending out announcements that we couldn’t wait and got married. Is this crazy?

village hall wedding

the advicist  You can throw a wedding for $5000. Hear me out before you call me crazy.

You rent a hall. I mean a church hall, a local community building, a scout hut. It takes some looking around, but there are plenty of places available to hire for cheap. Just think of buildings other community groups use. Anywhere near you to do a keep fit class? A knitting group? A mother and toddler group? Where do they meet? Enquire, and get some prices. (It probably won’t be that pretty, but you said it yourself: you’d rather spend your money on other things than a fancy wedding).

Think about how to feed a large group of people on a reasonable budget. Cook-out? Would be alright asking some people to bring a dish and do a pot luck? Pizza? (Note on pizza: if you find a good local restaurant, it can be a lot ‘nicer’ than your standard takeaway. A few green salads on long tables, dinner = done.)

I don’t know if these are the kind of suggestions that you are after. But it sounds like you think there are two options:

1) Elope

2) Blow a fortune on a wedding.

I’m here to tell you you can use the $5k given to you, and nothing else, and do it. It will take more planning (and I heard you when you said you didn’t enjoy it. I just wanted to put another option out there).

If you feel, for whatever reason (I’m thinking in-law expectations, since this whole wedding sounds like a very kind attempt to get them on-side) that a $5k wedding ‘won’t do’, you have some more options:

a) Tell the in-laws you were going to have the big wedding, but on reflection you can’t afford it. (Bear in mind they may  offer to contribute. Have an answer worked out between you and your fiance before you raise this.)

b) Go ahead anyway. Which sounds a bit pointless. It’s not the wedding either you, or the in-laws want.

c) Elope.

None is pain- or hassle- free, I’m sorry to tell you. You just have to pick the least worst option. Welcome to adulthood. 

photo credit: amandabhslater via photopin cc

Quick Update

I’m sure no-one has even noticed my lack of posting, but if you have, I just wanted to say I am still here. I’ve got SO MANY Q & A waiting to be published, so huge apologies if you’re waiting.

how to stop family making constant snide comments

Your Question How to stop family making constant snide comments at me?

 

Saracm: the lowest form of wit*

Saracm: the lowest form of wit*

the advicist Just come out and ask. They will probably rail you for that too, but you know what? You’re going to get it either way, so it’s worth a try to get it stop, isn’t it?

I’d try, ‘I know you find it funny to say these things. But it’s really getting old, and it puts me off coming to see you. Do you think you could lay off the snide comments? I know how you feel about x, you’ve made it very clear’.

Whether it will have any effect (other than more ribbing) depends so much on family dynamics I couldn’t hazard a guess. But I always think it’s worth asking JUST ONCE, in case people didn’t realise it annoyed you.

* But I reserve the right to use it at every opportunity, because, as every sarcastic person knows, it’s actually the highest form of wit.

photo credit: zombieite via photopin cc

How to Move On when a Guy turns out to be a Jerk

Your Question How to move on when a guy turns out to be a jerk?

Moving on when a guy is a jerk

the advicist Ugh, it sucks to finally realise you’ve been going out with an idiot. It makes you question your judgement.

All you can do is look for the lessons to be learnt, and then, forgive yourself. 

You acted with the information you had available at the time. Now, with more experience, and therefore more information available, you would have done things differently. Next time, you can do things differently. You will do things differently.

Getting over this relationship is the same as getting over any break up. Just don’t forget to look for the warning signs you missed, make a note of them, and don’t fall from them again.

It’s a life lesson. You learnt the hard way. Sometimes, its the only way to learn.

He was a jerk; you’re no longer with him. That is a triumph. Don’t forget that.

photo credit: Untitled blue via photopin cc

The Homophobic Aunt of a Possibly Gay Son. AKA the saddest question ever.

Your Question I can’t let go of a grudge towards my sister in law. We have had our ups and downs over the last 20 years, primarily good times. I was deeply offended by a comment that she made to me regarding my son. I confided in her that I thought that one of my sons might be gay. Needless, to say she went on to express to me how I should enter him into therapy because if he chose that lifestyle for himself he would burn in hell. I was astounded by the comment. My husband wants me to let it go, but I really do not want my son to be around her. How should I handle the situation?

[No picture, because I'm not having any images that imply gay = hell on this blog]

the advicist
I’m generally against grudges. I don’t think they achieve much, they just keep fuelling anger within you, in then end only hurting yourself.

However. I have absolutely no time for:

1) Homophobes

2) People who identify as Christians, but forget that, in Christianity, they are not the ones in charge of Judgement.

So I am on your side in this. This isn’t a grudge. This is not standing for discrimination.

You confided in her, and she rewarded that with nastiness.

It doesn’t actually matter if your son is gay. The point is, if he were, she would judge him harshly. And that means she doesn’t love him as much as she thinks she does, or else she would accept him for who he is.

Also, I couldn’t answer a letter on Christianity and homophobia without referencing Just Because He Breathes, one of the most powerful (and upsetting) things I have ever read on the subject. I hope your sister-in-law finds it in her heart to love ALL people, just because they breathe.

So, as for what to do next, I’d probably send her that article. I don’t think there’s anything any of us can say that’s more powerful than that.

And I agree with you, I would not want my son around her. I think you have to take a stand on this. Not just because if your son is gay, he needs you on his side. But because all people facing this kind of discrimination need us all on their side, regardless.

Also, google ‘It Gets Better’. What an amazing campaign. If your son is gay, I hope you will be ready to share it with him when it’s appropriate.