My fiance and I are supposed to be getting married in 9 days. It’s supposed to be a small backyard wedding BBQ type of thing. We just started planning about 5 weeks ago and my mom completely took over everything.
I should also mention that I’m a full time student, taking 5 summer classes (so a whole semester condensed into 6-8 weeks), and looking for a full time job. And we have a toddler. My fiance and I just moved in together about a month ago and since then our financial situation has changed a little bit and we are barely making ends meet, so we have absolutely no money to contribute to the wedding. I’m also freaking out about my fiances pending deployment, which is why we don’t have the usual year to spend planning and saving for a wedding.
Over the past few weeks I have gotten more and more stressed and depressed about our wedding because it’s nothing that I wanted. My mom makes all of these decisions, buy things, invites people, and then asks me my opinions AFTER she done it. She criticizes everything that I say I want and makes me feel so crappy. Every few days my mom does or says something that upsets to the point that I am bawling, and my grades are slipping.
My fiance is upset that my feelings keep getting hurt, and we have both been talking about cancelling the wedding and going to the courthouse.I’m to the point where I don’t even want to speak to my parents anymore. I’m not even excited for the wedding…I’m excited to be married to this wonderful man, but everything else sounds awful.
I have 4 Bridesmaids who all have non-refundable dresses so we would have to pay them all for the dresses, which would be around $350 (clearing out my savings account). We already paid a deposit to the officiant but it was only $45 so we’re not too worried about that. My parents have put down a deposit at a rental place for chairs and things like that, which I’m assuming they can’t get back. And the groomsmen would each be out about $20 for deposits they put down for the tuxes.
There are also guests from out of town who have already made travel plans and everyone has taken time off work.
With the wedding only 9 days away is it too late to cancel the wedding? Does it make me an awful person if I don’t want this wedding? It is selfish of us to cancel now? I just don’t want to be miserable on our wedding day.
Usually, I’m all like, “if you don’t want the big wedding, don’t have it!”. But nine days out…
Look, if you said, “I’m not sure I want to marry this guy, but the rentals are paid for”, I’d say, SERIOUSLY, take the hit on the rentals, it’s WAY EASIER than a divorce.
If you had even a hint of doubt about the marriage in your letter, I would counsel you to absolutely not go through with the wedding.
But. You’re sure about the guy! You want to marry him! The wedding, at this point, is a means to an end.
To cancel it now would put a lot of people out – not just your parents, but all those guests who have taken time off and booked accommodation because they are excited to see you get married.
Cancelling now might do some serious damage to those relationships, whilst not saving you much stress.
I’m not one for doing things because they make other people happy, when they make you unhappy. But in this case, by cancelling THIS wedding, you would get some satisfaction, yes, but you would still need to organise a court house, and you would miss out on the joy of seeing all those people happy for you. And even if you’re really annoyed with your Mom now, you don’t say that you are unhappy with the guest list, even if you didn’t necessarily hand write it.
Refunding the dress money, ringing round and cancelling everything, dealing with your Mom’s emotions (honestly, if she’s THIS invested in your wedding she is going to go NUTS when you say you want to cancel), won’t save you stress. If anything, it will create more.
The wedding is planned. Sure it might not be exactly what you would have planned, but you know what? You didn’t have the time or the money to do it. You want to be married… and here is a wedding that has been planned just for you.
Relax. It’s only 9 days. Don’t get involved in things your Mom is taking care of. Seriously. If there’s stuff you’re not happy with, accept in the spirit of, “Well, someone cared enough to organise all this for me!”.
And if some of it’s really bad, just tell your friends, “I’ve been snowed under. My Mom did everything. Crazy-tacky, huh? But she really enjoyed herself and we are very grateful”. Live that attitude for nine days, and marry the love of your life. Yay you! Congrats.
photo credit: Waiting for the BX/OZ8105… via photopin (license)